8:30am!?! Boo!
Another weekend has come and gone, and I find myself unable to sleep past 9am anymore. This is quite frustrating. Apparently my sleep schedule of waking up at 6am during the week has made it impossible for me to sleep in. :-( One of these days I will sleep for longer than 8 hours on the weekend.
Oh well. Now that I think about it, I did go to sleep at like 11pm last night. Talk about having absolutely no life. I seriously need to get out of Minneapolis. I'm so done with this city. Sure, there are a few friends that complain they will miss me if I leave. I doubt they really will. We're still in the same city and I already barely see them.
I'm ready for something new. I'm ready to be back in Wisconsin. I'm so sick of the hatred people have here for my home state. I've tried to get them to be more specific and refer to the school and not the entire state, yeah, that never worked. It's really annoying. At least my hatred is specifically for the vikings here in MN. There's only so much of that a person can really handle.
Starting tomorrow, or maybe today depending on how productive I feel like being. I have decided to dedicate at least an hour of every evening to working out and doing job searches. While I am okay with moving home, I know I'll go crazy there in about a month. I'm ready to be out on my own and doing something of relevance. Mainly, I just don't want to deal with the millions of questions my mother will throw at me the second I end up back in that house.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Real Life begins
Okay, I totally fail at being productive. Seeing as my internship ends in about 2 months, I should really be looking more forcefully for jobs. Except, I'm not. Anyone out there have some motivation for me?
Honestly, I think there is a part of me that is okay with moving home and not doing anything for a little while. Is that so bad? ...probably...
Honestly, I think there is a part of me that is okay with moving home and not doing anything for a little while. Is that so bad? ...probably...
Monday, March 28, 2011
Life
I think I've narrowed down my living choices to 3 different places: Chicago, Illinois...Madison, Wisconsin...or Minneapolis/Saint Paul, Minnesota.
Though, I think Madison is the most unlikely place that I will end up moving. There aren't very many housing related jobs for me there. Property management doesn't sound like something I will do forever...but who knows...I feel like that's the only real housing career I could have in that city. Do they even have any fortune 500 companies in Madison? But yeah...how about housing development? I suppose that happens everywhere, but I wouldn't know the first place to look to find a job in Madison.
I know that I was really against this not too long ago, but I actually wouldn't mind staying in the Twin Cities for awhile. I don't think I could make myself get a Minnesota drivers license or admit that it's home, but I think I could make a good start to my career from here. There are a lot of options...I just haven't found the one that will help me out yet.
As for Chicago, I really don't have any connections there besides the fact that I've always wanted to move there.
Though, I think Madison is the most unlikely place that I will end up moving. There aren't very many housing related jobs for me there. Property management doesn't sound like something I will do forever...but who knows...I feel like that's the only real housing career I could have in that city. Do they even have any fortune 500 companies in Madison? But yeah...how about housing development? I suppose that happens everywhere, but I wouldn't know the first place to look to find a job in Madison.
I know that I was really against this not too long ago, but I actually wouldn't mind staying in the Twin Cities for awhile. I don't think I could make myself get a Minnesota drivers license or admit that it's home, but I think I could make a good start to my career from here. There are a lot of options...I just haven't found the one that will help me out yet.
As for Chicago, I really don't have any connections there besides the fact that I've always wanted to move there.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
What's been on my mind
A conversation with someone lately has me thinking about my relationship with my brother a lot. The more I think about it, the more I just don't understand it at all.
When we were younger we used to do a lot of stuff together, granted there was a time when we got along that he decided to put a remote control car on top of my head and get my hair caught in the wheels, but that isn't exactly the point. Anyways, we bonded while playing just about everything together: legos, star trek, barbies, teenage mutant ninja turtles, N64, the list is actually quite large.
I just wonder where and when it all went wrong? I wish I could pin point it to some specific moment that occurred, but there's nothing that comes to mind. Its almost as if one day he decided he hated me and never wanted me around anymore. His rudeness and jerk behaviors really damaged me. I honestly don't think I'm as strong a person as I could have been if we had continued to get along.
There's probably not a single person out there that truly knows anything about my relationship with my brother. No one has really experienced it first hand. Sure, some people have seen us blow up at one another, but I'm pretty sure that no one can really understand what it was like for me (though some people have tried and referenced my brother's behavior toward me in arguments before). Is it really fair that at the ages of 22 and 25 we still don't get along? I mean, I've been out of the state of Wisconsin for 4 years now and we still only talk when I go home and are in the same room, forced to speak to one another.
I'll admit, there have been a few times in the last year that we haven't gotten into an argument. He actually made an effort to see me last summer for my 22nd birthday, and surprise of surprises: he was actually nice to me! Who would have thought that could even happen? Honestly, I'd attribute it to the fact that I had 2 friends home with me that weekend. He never acts like quite the jackass that he is with other people around. News flash for you: everyone knows you haven't been nice to me in almost 10 years now, so the act didn't really work. Both Jennifer and Kate were surprised at how he was acting, though they had never met him before they know the stories of how he has been treating me.
It really makes me wonder if he's the reason that I can't commit to someone. Relationships terrify me! That's not something that many people will say, but I've been hurt so many times that the thought of completely letting someone in scares me to death. I'll flirt and whatnot, but the second something gets to be more serious than a fling where I don't feel anything...that's where I freak out and hide away. I'm pretty sure that's not normal. No one would want to be with someone that does that type of thing, I know I don't. Yet here I am, doing the one thing that hurts people more than anything.
The more I think about how my brother treated me the more I realize how verbally abusive he truly was. I was treated like shit for a good amount of time and it brought my self esteem right down with it. I still look in the mirror and see the 220 pound 10th grader I was in high school. No matter how much weight I've lost or how much I've grown, I still feel like that person that sat in her bedroom on a Friday night eating a bag of chips.
These are things that I hate to admit to myself, or anyone for that matter, but it's been on my mind all week. I can't really do much about it. How exactly do you cope with how you perceive yourself? Is there really any way to truly move past all the hurt that my older brother has caused me all these years?
When we were younger we used to do a lot of stuff together, granted there was a time when we got along that he decided to put a remote control car on top of my head and get my hair caught in the wheels, but that isn't exactly the point. Anyways, we bonded while playing just about everything together: legos, star trek, barbies, teenage mutant ninja turtles, N64, the list is actually quite large.
I just wonder where and when it all went wrong? I wish I could pin point it to some specific moment that occurred, but there's nothing that comes to mind. Its almost as if one day he decided he hated me and never wanted me around anymore. His rudeness and jerk behaviors really damaged me. I honestly don't think I'm as strong a person as I could have been if we had continued to get along.
There's probably not a single person out there that truly knows anything about my relationship with my brother. No one has really experienced it first hand. Sure, some people have seen us blow up at one another, but I'm pretty sure that no one can really understand what it was like for me (though some people have tried and referenced my brother's behavior toward me in arguments before). Is it really fair that at the ages of 22 and 25 we still don't get along? I mean, I've been out of the state of Wisconsin for 4 years now and we still only talk when I go home and are in the same room, forced to speak to one another.
I'll admit, there have been a few times in the last year that we haven't gotten into an argument. He actually made an effort to see me last summer for my 22nd birthday, and surprise of surprises: he was actually nice to me! Who would have thought that could even happen? Honestly, I'd attribute it to the fact that I had 2 friends home with me that weekend. He never acts like quite the jackass that he is with other people around. News flash for you: everyone knows you haven't been nice to me in almost 10 years now, so the act didn't really work. Both Jennifer and Kate were surprised at how he was acting, though they had never met him before they know the stories of how he has been treating me.
It really makes me wonder if he's the reason that I can't commit to someone. Relationships terrify me! That's not something that many people will say, but I've been hurt so many times that the thought of completely letting someone in scares me to death. I'll flirt and whatnot, but the second something gets to be more serious than a fling where I don't feel anything...that's where I freak out and hide away. I'm pretty sure that's not normal. No one would want to be with someone that does that type of thing, I know I don't. Yet here I am, doing the one thing that hurts people more than anything.
The more I think about how my brother treated me the more I realize how verbally abusive he truly was. I was treated like shit for a good amount of time and it brought my self esteem right down with it. I still look in the mirror and see the 220 pound 10th grader I was in high school. No matter how much weight I've lost or how much I've grown, I still feel like that person that sat in her bedroom on a Friday night eating a bag of chips.
These are things that I hate to admit to myself, or anyone for that matter, but it's been on my mind all week. I can't really do much about it. How exactly do you cope with how you perceive yourself? Is there really any way to truly move past all the hurt that my older brother has caused me all these years?
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Update
The time has come for me to update my limited readers about my life. How exciting! I feel like I was far too productive today with homework. This is my reward for being productive. Anyways. As usual, my life is actually pretty boring. I honestly don't know what to say when people ask me what I've been up to.
How exactly am I supposed to respond to that when we haven't talked in forever?! I can think of interesting things to talk about when I'm on the phone with my mom or even Ana, but when people from high school ask me about my life and it's been at least a year since we've spoken...yeah...should I catch you up on every detail of my life? What kind of answer are you expecting to such a general question?
Maybe I'm just sick of having people ask me that question. Over this past weekend I think I had about 5 people ask me the exact same thing. My response? My life is boring. I go to school. I go to work. I have no romantic prospects that deserve any attention from people I rarely talk to anymore. How about you ask me about my personal life when I actually have something interesting to say about it? Or maybe if you're trying to set me up with someone. Then I just might listen. Other than that...I'll bring it up when it actually matters.
I feel like this is what I'll have to deal with if I decide to go to my 5 year high school reunion this summer. Honestly I don't see the point in going. I mean...it's only been 5 years! Has anyone really made anything out of their life at this point? I know I haven't. I'm only now graduating from college. Who knows if that's even happening if I don't get an internship and complete it before the summer is over. I'm so ready to be done with school. I just wish I could figure out where I want to end up after I finally get my diploma. It's so difficult to plan a future when you don't have anything specific you need to do, besides find a way to make money. I feel like my best option would be management. There are quite a few companies that have really good salaries and benefits for employees.
I read somewhere recently that housing development is the most difficult profession to get into with housing. This totally sucks because it's definitely my first choice in a career right now. I know I'll survive, and I know that once I get my degree I can go wherever I want to find a job, but it would be nice to be somewhere that I have a few friends. Right now I am hoping for Minneapolis/Saint Paul, Madison, or Chicago. Those cities are not in any specific order, but they are the 3 that I am the most interested in living in.
Okay, I think I've rambled about my life long enough. I probably didn't make any sense, but oh well. My mind works in mysterious ways sometimes.
How exactly am I supposed to respond to that when we haven't talked in forever?! I can think of interesting things to talk about when I'm on the phone with my mom or even Ana, but when people from high school ask me about my life and it's been at least a year since we've spoken...yeah...should I catch you up on every detail of my life? What kind of answer are you expecting to such a general question?
Maybe I'm just sick of having people ask me that question. Over this past weekend I think I had about 5 people ask me the exact same thing. My response? My life is boring. I go to school. I go to work. I have no romantic prospects that deserve any attention from people I rarely talk to anymore. How about you ask me about my personal life when I actually have something interesting to say about it? Or maybe if you're trying to set me up with someone. Then I just might listen. Other than that...I'll bring it up when it actually matters.
I feel like this is what I'll have to deal with if I decide to go to my 5 year high school reunion this summer. Honestly I don't see the point in going. I mean...it's only been 5 years! Has anyone really made anything out of their life at this point? I know I haven't. I'm only now graduating from college. Who knows if that's even happening if I don't get an internship and complete it before the summer is over. I'm so ready to be done with school. I just wish I could figure out where I want to end up after I finally get my diploma. It's so difficult to plan a future when you don't have anything specific you need to do, besides find a way to make money. I feel like my best option would be management. There are quite a few companies that have really good salaries and benefits for employees.
I read somewhere recently that housing development is the most difficult profession to get into with housing. This totally sucks because it's definitely my first choice in a career right now. I know I'll survive, and I know that once I get my degree I can go wherever I want to find a job, but it would be nice to be somewhere that I have a few friends. Right now I am hoping for Minneapolis/Saint Paul, Madison, or Chicago. Those cities are not in any specific order, but they are the 3 that I am the most interested in living in.
Okay, I think I've rambled about my life long enough. I probably didn't make any sense, but oh well. My mind works in mysterious ways sometimes.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
I'm ready to be done
I've reached that point in my collegiate career where I'm just ready to be done. School is fine. I love my classes this semester. They are all really interesting, the only problem is that Tuesdays and Thursdays drag on for quite some time. Being gone from 9:30 in the morning until 9pm or later at night wears on you. Thank goodness I only have two days of class though. Otherwise I really don't think I'd be able to survive.
All that's really left is to find an internship, which I've been struggling with for over a year now. I think I'm still a little bitter that I was offered one and then they decided they didn't need me anymore. It's just frustrating. I'm completely out of ideas as to how to find one anymore. I'm not a very forward person and I suck at thinking of the right questions for people that make me sound as interested as I am in their work. I mean seriously, what else am I supposed to do? Maybe if I had better connections or if the stupid DSAB Board I'm on helped at all things would be better, but I'm struggling to hold on right now.
Plus, the one thing that really made me want to walk in May for graduation was that I would get to do it in Northrop Memorial Auditorium. However, I just found out yesterday that the funding was finally approved to renovate the building, which means they are shutting it down on Monday :( This also means that graduation ceremonies have been moved to Mariucci Arena. A decent building, but seriously!? Northrop was my home for marching band for 2 years, I love that building, and with the renovations they intend to do will completely change the essence of the building. Yet another reason I want to get the hell out of Minnesota!
I love this school, but this state keeps doing things that make me very unhappy! So even the thought of becoming a citizen just makes my skin crawl. Granted if I finally find an internship or happen to get offered something permanent I would totally take it, but that doesn't mean I'm going to go out of my way to make it happen. I really miss Wisconsin. But honestly, I just need to go somewhere different. I'm ready for a change and a different chapter in my life to start.
All that's really left is to find an internship, which I've been struggling with for over a year now. I think I'm still a little bitter that I was offered one and then they decided they didn't need me anymore. It's just frustrating. I'm completely out of ideas as to how to find one anymore. I'm not a very forward person and I suck at thinking of the right questions for people that make me sound as interested as I am in their work. I mean seriously, what else am I supposed to do? Maybe if I had better connections or if the stupid DSAB Board I'm on helped at all things would be better, but I'm struggling to hold on right now.
Plus, the one thing that really made me want to walk in May for graduation was that I would get to do it in Northrop Memorial Auditorium. However, I just found out yesterday that the funding was finally approved to renovate the building, which means they are shutting it down on Monday :( This also means that graduation ceremonies have been moved to Mariucci Arena. A decent building, but seriously!? Northrop was my home for marching band for 2 years, I love that building, and with the renovations they intend to do will completely change the essence of the building. Yet another reason I want to get the hell out of Minnesota!
I love this school, but this state keeps doing things that make me very unhappy! So even the thought of becoming a citizen just makes my skin crawl. Granted if I finally find an internship or happen to get offered something permanent I would totally take it, but that doesn't mean I'm going to go out of my way to make it happen. I really miss Wisconsin. But honestly, I just need to go somewhere different. I'm ready for a change and a different chapter in my life to start.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Life so far in 2011
It's been awhile since my last blog post. I may or may not have forgotten that I started one to blog about my senior year in Minnesota. Oops.
Anyways... This semester/year has gotten off to a pretty amazing start. My personal life has finally worked itself out. I still don't understand what happened with my friends last semester, but seeing as it hasn't affected anything recently I've decided to let the past go and look forward. Probably something I should have done awhile ago. I think I learned a lot about myself last semester while dealing with my social problems. Mainly, I discovered that I actually handle stress really well. However the knots in my back would probably say otherwise. With all of my ups and downs of last semester the 2 hardest ones were marching band and the lack of finding an internship because of my time commitment with band. Ironic, isn't it?
According to quite a few band alums being in that organization helped them find a job. Totally not the case for me. Marching Band was the main factor as to why I didn't get 2 of the jobs I have interviewed for in the past. You'd think my willingness to take on more responsibility during band might make them see that I am determined enough to do something. Oh well. I'm hoping that at some point this semester I will find someone that will take a chance on me and hire me for an internship so I can graduate. All I really want to do is walk in the ceremony in May with my friends and at Northrop. Is that really too much to ask for? Right now all of my hopes at finding an internship land on 2 things: my relationship with Stephanie (the Housing alum on the Design Student and Alumni Board with me), and going to the Job and Internship Fair at the end of February. One of these two things has to help me land an internship...right? I'm running out of plans and ideas as to where to go and who to beg for a job.
As far as classes go and such, I really enjoy all of my classes. I'm really behind in readings though. So I should probably be working on that, but the thing about readings is the fact that the professors go over everything in our readings during class. Clearly this does not give me the motivation to do them during my free time. It might help if I stop going out 3 to 4 times a week. Going to the bar is just so much more satisfying than doing my readings though. I love going out with Patti and Syressa to the bar. We've kind of devised a schedule as to where we are going out every week during the semester:
-Monday's are Buffalo Wild Wings for $100 prize trivia.
-Tuesday's and Wednesday's I say home and generally work out with my roommates.
-Thursday's are Trivia at Big Ten Restaurant.
-Friday's are Shout! House downtown.
-Saturday's we've recently decided are dedicated to the bars in Dinkytown, which generally means we'll go to the Library because its one of the best bars on campus.
-Sunday is my day to relax and probably work out again.
Like I said, I prefer to go out with my friends to make up for last semester than to do the 150 pages of reading per night that I should be doing. Other than that I'm having the same old boys issues I always have. Maybe I'll go into more detail about boys later. The topic of boys generally takes an entire blog post.
Anyways... This semester/year has gotten off to a pretty amazing start. My personal life has finally worked itself out. I still don't understand what happened with my friends last semester, but seeing as it hasn't affected anything recently I've decided to let the past go and look forward. Probably something I should have done awhile ago. I think I learned a lot about myself last semester while dealing with my social problems. Mainly, I discovered that I actually handle stress really well. However the knots in my back would probably say otherwise. With all of my ups and downs of last semester the 2 hardest ones were marching band and the lack of finding an internship because of my time commitment with band. Ironic, isn't it?
According to quite a few band alums being in that organization helped them find a job. Totally not the case for me. Marching Band was the main factor as to why I didn't get 2 of the jobs I have interviewed for in the past. You'd think my willingness to take on more responsibility during band might make them see that I am determined enough to do something. Oh well. I'm hoping that at some point this semester I will find someone that will take a chance on me and hire me for an internship so I can graduate. All I really want to do is walk in the ceremony in May with my friends and at Northrop. Is that really too much to ask for? Right now all of my hopes at finding an internship land on 2 things: my relationship with Stephanie (the Housing alum on the Design Student and Alumni Board with me), and going to the Job and Internship Fair at the end of February. One of these two things has to help me land an internship...right? I'm running out of plans and ideas as to where to go and who to beg for a job.
As far as classes go and such, I really enjoy all of my classes. I'm really behind in readings though. So I should probably be working on that, but the thing about readings is the fact that the professors go over everything in our readings during class. Clearly this does not give me the motivation to do them during my free time. It might help if I stop going out 3 to 4 times a week. Going to the bar is just so much more satisfying than doing my readings though. I love going out with Patti and Syressa to the bar. We've kind of devised a schedule as to where we are going out every week during the semester:
-Monday's are Buffalo Wild Wings for $100 prize trivia.
-Tuesday's and Wednesday's I say home and generally work out with my roommates.
-Thursday's are Trivia at Big Ten Restaurant.
-Friday's are Shout! House downtown.
-Saturday's we've recently decided are dedicated to the bars in Dinkytown, which generally means we'll go to the Library because its one of the best bars on campus.
-Sunday is my day to relax and probably work out again.
Like I said, I prefer to go out with my friends to make up for last semester than to do the 150 pages of reading per night that I should be doing. Other than that I'm having the same old boys issues I always have. Maybe I'll go into more detail about boys later. The topic of boys generally takes an entire blog post.
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