I think I've narrowed down my living choices to 3 different places: Chicago, Illinois...Madison, Wisconsin...or Minneapolis/Saint Paul, Minnesota.
Though, I think Madison is the most unlikely place that I will end up moving. There aren't very many housing related jobs for me there. Property management doesn't sound like something I will do forever...but who knows...I feel like that's the only real housing career I could have in that city. Do they even have any fortune 500 companies in Madison? But yeah...how about housing development? I suppose that happens everywhere, but I wouldn't know the first place to look to find a job in Madison.
I know that I was really against this not too long ago, but I actually wouldn't mind staying in the Twin Cities for awhile. I don't think I could make myself get a Minnesota drivers license or admit that it's home, but I think I could make a good start to my career from here. There are a lot of options...I just haven't found the one that will help me out yet.
As for Chicago, I really don't have any connections there besides the fact that I've always wanted to move there.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
What's been on my mind
A conversation with someone lately has me thinking about my relationship with my brother a lot. The more I think about it, the more I just don't understand it at all.
When we were younger we used to do a lot of stuff together, granted there was a time when we got along that he decided to put a remote control car on top of my head and get my hair caught in the wheels, but that isn't exactly the point. Anyways, we bonded while playing just about everything together: legos, star trek, barbies, teenage mutant ninja turtles, N64, the list is actually quite large.
I just wonder where and when it all went wrong? I wish I could pin point it to some specific moment that occurred, but there's nothing that comes to mind. Its almost as if one day he decided he hated me and never wanted me around anymore. His rudeness and jerk behaviors really damaged me. I honestly don't think I'm as strong a person as I could have been if we had continued to get along.
There's probably not a single person out there that truly knows anything about my relationship with my brother. No one has really experienced it first hand. Sure, some people have seen us blow up at one another, but I'm pretty sure that no one can really understand what it was like for me (though some people have tried and referenced my brother's behavior toward me in arguments before). Is it really fair that at the ages of 22 and 25 we still don't get along? I mean, I've been out of the state of Wisconsin for 4 years now and we still only talk when I go home and are in the same room, forced to speak to one another.
I'll admit, there have been a few times in the last year that we haven't gotten into an argument. He actually made an effort to see me last summer for my 22nd birthday, and surprise of surprises: he was actually nice to me! Who would have thought that could even happen? Honestly, I'd attribute it to the fact that I had 2 friends home with me that weekend. He never acts like quite the jackass that he is with other people around. News flash for you: everyone knows you haven't been nice to me in almost 10 years now, so the act didn't really work. Both Jennifer and Kate were surprised at how he was acting, though they had never met him before they know the stories of how he has been treating me.
It really makes me wonder if he's the reason that I can't commit to someone. Relationships terrify me! That's not something that many people will say, but I've been hurt so many times that the thought of completely letting someone in scares me to death. I'll flirt and whatnot, but the second something gets to be more serious than a fling where I don't feel anything...that's where I freak out and hide away. I'm pretty sure that's not normal. No one would want to be with someone that does that type of thing, I know I don't. Yet here I am, doing the one thing that hurts people more than anything.
The more I think about how my brother treated me the more I realize how verbally abusive he truly was. I was treated like shit for a good amount of time and it brought my self esteem right down with it. I still look in the mirror and see the 220 pound 10th grader I was in high school. No matter how much weight I've lost or how much I've grown, I still feel like that person that sat in her bedroom on a Friday night eating a bag of chips.
These are things that I hate to admit to myself, or anyone for that matter, but it's been on my mind all week. I can't really do much about it. How exactly do you cope with how you perceive yourself? Is there really any way to truly move past all the hurt that my older brother has caused me all these years?
When we were younger we used to do a lot of stuff together, granted there was a time when we got along that he decided to put a remote control car on top of my head and get my hair caught in the wheels, but that isn't exactly the point. Anyways, we bonded while playing just about everything together: legos, star trek, barbies, teenage mutant ninja turtles, N64, the list is actually quite large.
I just wonder where and when it all went wrong? I wish I could pin point it to some specific moment that occurred, but there's nothing that comes to mind. Its almost as if one day he decided he hated me and never wanted me around anymore. His rudeness and jerk behaviors really damaged me. I honestly don't think I'm as strong a person as I could have been if we had continued to get along.
There's probably not a single person out there that truly knows anything about my relationship with my brother. No one has really experienced it first hand. Sure, some people have seen us blow up at one another, but I'm pretty sure that no one can really understand what it was like for me (though some people have tried and referenced my brother's behavior toward me in arguments before). Is it really fair that at the ages of 22 and 25 we still don't get along? I mean, I've been out of the state of Wisconsin for 4 years now and we still only talk when I go home and are in the same room, forced to speak to one another.
I'll admit, there have been a few times in the last year that we haven't gotten into an argument. He actually made an effort to see me last summer for my 22nd birthday, and surprise of surprises: he was actually nice to me! Who would have thought that could even happen? Honestly, I'd attribute it to the fact that I had 2 friends home with me that weekend. He never acts like quite the jackass that he is with other people around. News flash for you: everyone knows you haven't been nice to me in almost 10 years now, so the act didn't really work. Both Jennifer and Kate were surprised at how he was acting, though they had never met him before they know the stories of how he has been treating me.
It really makes me wonder if he's the reason that I can't commit to someone. Relationships terrify me! That's not something that many people will say, but I've been hurt so many times that the thought of completely letting someone in scares me to death. I'll flirt and whatnot, but the second something gets to be more serious than a fling where I don't feel anything...that's where I freak out and hide away. I'm pretty sure that's not normal. No one would want to be with someone that does that type of thing, I know I don't. Yet here I am, doing the one thing that hurts people more than anything.
The more I think about how my brother treated me the more I realize how verbally abusive he truly was. I was treated like shit for a good amount of time and it brought my self esteem right down with it. I still look in the mirror and see the 220 pound 10th grader I was in high school. No matter how much weight I've lost or how much I've grown, I still feel like that person that sat in her bedroom on a Friday night eating a bag of chips.
These are things that I hate to admit to myself, or anyone for that matter, but it's been on my mind all week. I can't really do much about it. How exactly do you cope with how you perceive yourself? Is there really any way to truly move past all the hurt that my older brother has caused me all these years?
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Update
The time has come for me to update my limited readers about my life. How exciting! I feel like I was far too productive today with homework. This is my reward for being productive. Anyways. As usual, my life is actually pretty boring. I honestly don't know what to say when people ask me what I've been up to.
How exactly am I supposed to respond to that when we haven't talked in forever?! I can think of interesting things to talk about when I'm on the phone with my mom or even Ana, but when people from high school ask me about my life and it's been at least a year since we've spoken...yeah...should I catch you up on every detail of my life? What kind of answer are you expecting to such a general question?
Maybe I'm just sick of having people ask me that question. Over this past weekend I think I had about 5 people ask me the exact same thing. My response? My life is boring. I go to school. I go to work. I have no romantic prospects that deserve any attention from people I rarely talk to anymore. How about you ask me about my personal life when I actually have something interesting to say about it? Or maybe if you're trying to set me up with someone. Then I just might listen. Other than that...I'll bring it up when it actually matters.
I feel like this is what I'll have to deal with if I decide to go to my 5 year high school reunion this summer. Honestly I don't see the point in going. I mean...it's only been 5 years! Has anyone really made anything out of their life at this point? I know I haven't. I'm only now graduating from college. Who knows if that's even happening if I don't get an internship and complete it before the summer is over. I'm so ready to be done with school. I just wish I could figure out where I want to end up after I finally get my diploma. It's so difficult to plan a future when you don't have anything specific you need to do, besides find a way to make money. I feel like my best option would be management. There are quite a few companies that have really good salaries and benefits for employees.
I read somewhere recently that housing development is the most difficult profession to get into with housing. This totally sucks because it's definitely my first choice in a career right now. I know I'll survive, and I know that once I get my degree I can go wherever I want to find a job, but it would be nice to be somewhere that I have a few friends. Right now I am hoping for Minneapolis/Saint Paul, Madison, or Chicago. Those cities are not in any specific order, but they are the 3 that I am the most interested in living in.
Okay, I think I've rambled about my life long enough. I probably didn't make any sense, but oh well. My mind works in mysterious ways sometimes.
How exactly am I supposed to respond to that when we haven't talked in forever?! I can think of interesting things to talk about when I'm on the phone with my mom or even Ana, but when people from high school ask me about my life and it's been at least a year since we've spoken...yeah...should I catch you up on every detail of my life? What kind of answer are you expecting to such a general question?
Maybe I'm just sick of having people ask me that question. Over this past weekend I think I had about 5 people ask me the exact same thing. My response? My life is boring. I go to school. I go to work. I have no romantic prospects that deserve any attention from people I rarely talk to anymore. How about you ask me about my personal life when I actually have something interesting to say about it? Or maybe if you're trying to set me up with someone. Then I just might listen. Other than that...I'll bring it up when it actually matters.
I feel like this is what I'll have to deal with if I decide to go to my 5 year high school reunion this summer. Honestly I don't see the point in going. I mean...it's only been 5 years! Has anyone really made anything out of their life at this point? I know I haven't. I'm only now graduating from college. Who knows if that's even happening if I don't get an internship and complete it before the summer is over. I'm so ready to be done with school. I just wish I could figure out where I want to end up after I finally get my diploma. It's so difficult to plan a future when you don't have anything specific you need to do, besides find a way to make money. I feel like my best option would be management. There are quite a few companies that have really good salaries and benefits for employees.
I read somewhere recently that housing development is the most difficult profession to get into with housing. This totally sucks because it's definitely my first choice in a career right now. I know I'll survive, and I know that once I get my degree I can go wherever I want to find a job, but it would be nice to be somewhere that I have a few friends. Right now I am hoping for Minneapolis/Saint Paul, Madison, or Chicago. Those cities are not in any specific order, but they are the 3 that I am the most interested in living in.
Okay, I think I've rambled about my life long enough. I probably didn't make any sense, but oh well. My mind works in mysterious ways sometimes.
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