A conversation with someone lately has me thinking about my relationship with my brother a lot. The more I think about it, the more I just don't understand it at all.
When we were younger we used to do a lot of stuff together, granted there was a time when we got along that he decided to put a remote control car on top of my head and get my hair caught in the wheels, but that isn't exactly the point. Anyways, we bonded while playing just about everything together: legos, star trek, barbies, teenage mutant ninja turtles, N64, the list is actually quite large.
I just wonder where and when it all went wrong? I wish I could pin point it to some specific moment that occurred, but there's nothing that comes to mind. Its almost as if one day he decided he hated me and never wanted me around anymore. His rudeness and jerk behaviors really damaged me. I honestly don't think I'm as strong a person as I could have been if we had continued to get along.
There's probably not a single person out there that truly knows anything about my relationship with my brother. No one has really experienced it first hand. Sure, some people have seen us blow up at one another, but I'm pretty sure that no one can really understand what it was like for me (though some people have tried and referenced my brother's behavior toward me in arguments before). Is it really fair that at the ages of 22 and 25 we still don't get along? I mean, I've been out of the state of Wisconsin for 4 years now and we still only talk when I go home and are in the same room, forced to speak to one another.
I'll admit, there have been a few times in the last year that we haven't gotten into an argument. He actually made an effort to see me last summer for my 22nd birthday, and surprise of surprises: he was actually nice to me! Who would have thought that could even happen? Honestly, I'd attribute it to the fact that I had 2 friends home with me that weekend. He never acts like quite the jackass that he is with other people around. News flash for you: everyone knows you haven't been nice to me in almost 10 years now, so the act didn't really work. Both Jennifer and Kate were surprised at how he was acting, though they had never met him before they know the stories of how he has been treating me.
It really makes me wonder if he's the reason that I can't commit to someone. Relationships terrify me! That's not something that many people will say, but I've been hurt so many times that the thought of completely letting someone in scares me to death. I'll flirt and whatnot, but the second something gets to be more serious than a fling where I don't feel anything...that's where I freak out and hide away. I'm pretty sure that's not normal. No one would want to be with someone that does that type of thing, I know I don't. Yet here I am, doing the one thing that hurts people more than anything.
The more I think about how my brother treated me the more I realize how verbally abusive he truly was. I was treated like shit for a good amount of time and it brought my self esteem right down with it. I still look in the mirror and see the 220 pound 10th grader I was in high school. No matter how much weight I've lost or how much I've grown, I still feel like that person that sat in her bedroom on a Friday night eating a bag of chips.
These are things that I hate to admit to myself, or anyone for that matter, but it's been on my mind all week. I can't really do much about it. How exactly do you cope with how you perceive yourself? Is there really any way to truly move past all the hurt that my older brother has caused me all these years?
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